Before We Prevent, Let’s Strive to Understand

Perhaps suicide is not always examined through the lens of understanding but rather through the lens of “fixing” from loved ones or professionals. Perhaps the well-intentioned language of prevention and awareness can sometimes feel unintentionally condescending to people who struggle with whether they want to continue this journey on earth. When someone has lived with suicidal thoughts as a baseline feeling for months or even years, being immediately told why they should want to live may feel less like support and more like another reminder that their actual experience is difficult for others to tolerate.

As a therapist, I believe this is part of the problem.

When someone speaks about wanting to end their life, people usually don’t respond with something like, “I can understand why you feel that way.” Instead, we may instinctively say, “Oh no, I’m so sorry. You are so loved and needed here.” We say these things because they feel safer. They reassure both the person struggling and, perhaps, ourselves. But in moving immediately toward reassurance, we can miss the opportunity to understand and validate the feeling itself.

For individuals living with major depressive disorder, bipolar disorder, chronic trauma, a family history of suicide, or other significant mental health concerns, thoughts of suicide may arise more than once over the course of a lifetime. For some, the idea of suicide may even become comforting—not necessarily because they have decided to die, but because imagining an escape from unbearable emotional pain can temporarily provide a sense of control.

As counselors, I am certainly not suggesting that we abandon risk assessment, safety planning, building support systems, processing trauma, or helping clients create lives that feel more sustainable. Those interventions matter tremendously and it would be unethical and inhumane not to work towards hope and the beauty of the change process. But perhaps we also need to become better at sitting with suicidal thoughts for longer than it takes to complete a safety plan.

Longer than an initial check-in.

And sometimes, for as long as the client needs to talk honestly about feeling this way.

As counselors, we may be one of the only places where someone feels safe enough to tell the truth about these thoughts without immediately being judged, frightened, corrected, or silenced. In those moments, acknowledging the weight of what someone is carrying—“Yeah, it sounds incredibly heavy, and I can understand why escape might feel appealing”—does not mean endorsing suicide. It means communicating that we are willing to stay present long enough to understand the pain underneath it.

And then we continue.

We explore strengths, supports, relationships, protective factors, treatment options, and realistic ways to make life more manageable. We assess safety and intervene when necessary. But we can do those things while also communicating something equally important: You are allowed to tell me how bad this feels.

There can be value in approaching suicidal thoughts with curiosity rather than immediate correction. What does the fantasy of suicide represent? Rest? Relief? Control? An end to pain? An escape from feeling like a burden? Understanding what suicide symbolizes for someone can help us better understand what feels intolerable about continuing to live as they currently are.

Because when we genuinely listen to people's stories, we sometimes hear about horrific losses, trauma, chronic pain, rejection, isolation, abuse, financial hardship, family conflict, illness, and circumstances that cannot simply be reframed with a hopeful phrase.

People often hear, “Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem.”

But what happens when someone has felt this way for so long that nothing about the problem feels temporary?

People hear, “How selfish.”

But what happens when the person believes the opposite—that removing themselves would be the least selfish thing they could do because they genuinely perceive themselves as a burden to everyone they love?

These beliefs need to be challenged, but they first need to be understood.

Suicide prevention absolutely involves helping people stay alive. But perhaps part of prevention is also creating spaces where people are permitted to speak honestly about not wanting to be alive—without shame, panic, judgment, or platitudes.

Sometimes sitting beside someone in the darkness long enough to understand why it feels so dark is part of helping them find a reason, and a way, to stay.

Suicide prevention isn’t only a conversation for mental health professionals. It belongs to all of us. Sometimes the most meaningful thing we can offer another person is the willingness to listen to what hurts, take it seriously, and stay in the conversation.

Most everyone has been impacted by suicide and please remember there is always hope, but before that we must strive to understand. Please reach out for help to the numbers below if you or someone you know is struggling.

Crisis & Suicide Prevention Resources

988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline — Nationwide Call or text 988 Available 24 hours a day, 7 days a week for people experiencing suicidal thoughts, emotional distress, mental health concerns, or substance-use crises.

Cleveland / Cuyahoga County — FrontLine Service 24/7 Crisis Line 216-623-6888 24/7 crisis support for individuals experiencing mental health or substance-use crises, including suicidal thoughts. Mobile crisis services may also be available.

Geauga County — COPELINE 440-285-5665 24/7 crisis support for Geauga County residents.

Crisis Text Line Text HOME to 741741

Veterans Crisis Line Call 988, then press 1

Immediate Emergency Call 911 or go to the nearest emergency department if there is an immediate threat to someone's life or safety.